I had a plan. It certainly didn’t include being single in my late forties. If I knew this future 10 years ago, I would have thrown a temper tantrum at the angels.
I am single. I’m 49. And I am happier today, yesterday, and the day before. I cannot remember feeling this free as a girl, as a woman, in every part of my life.
These days, being single does not feel like being alone. It used to, though. And I’d hunt down a soul just to patch the hole.
I feel finally complete as I continue to untame myself, to drop my guard, my masks, my potions.
I am giddy and wild again like a curious child playing with the toys in her chest.
I whisper sweet thanks to experience. And Spirit responds to this exchange.
The boys who once broke my heart, came to apologize when they became men. The threads that tied me to many hearts over many cities and hopes are slipping out of my hands. I bless each one as they float like balloons on a slow breeze.
This story of my completeness I wish to share with my sisters who cry out to be loved by another as a sign of life, and worth.
I wish to tell them:
First set your Self free. Let her thrive in realness.
I would tell her to listen to the opening note of the song you always wanted to sing. This tune will enliven you. Sing it.
I would tell her Wave Your Magic over miles of dreams and fears, and follow every hunch that brushes your cheek.
I would tell her love is an unwrapped present you carry with you all the time. It’s been with you during all those misshapen relationships and solo Friday night dinners.
Once you realize this, open it. Open your gift. It’s wild and untamed inside, made pure and rare, so don’t change it.
When you do–open it–you will have opened the love of your life.
You will have opened your full Self, and she’s exactly who you’ve been looking for all this time.
Shakti Gawain wrote Creative Visualization, a remarkable little book that gave birth to the whole law of attraction child!
I read it when I was about 28. My Saturn Returns was simply horrible. During that tunnel through darkness, I wrote poetry on the floor of my Los Angeles apartment trying to forgive myself for living a wandering adult life.
I deeply felt life was punishing me for being an artist,
accusing me for continually desiring new palates,
shaking a finger at my operation to shape and sculpt new experiences because
monotony bored my senses.
With the right college degrees and wherewithal to manage, train, and supervise, why did I voluntarily seek a life path that promised instability, that guaranteed uncertainty?
The tone of my journals keep indicating my unresolved obsession with that same question every 10 years. Now at 47, I face another internal and external rumbling for change.
I’ll have to create a pathway to a land of dreams using my tools: faith and art.
I must let myself
Let go of ideals and losses. Be who I am.
In retrospect of the 47 years of fear and curiosity, life is as life does, meanwhile
I have created a me I like and trust.
This year, I have been helped into a better acceptance of knowing myself with support from these pieces of art.
The War of Art, Steven Pressfield – Confronts the courage to create
#Girlboss, Sophia Amorusa Tells how she created a lucrative business with only a-being-herself business plan.
Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert – Reflects on creating: the acknowledgement and acceptance
re-reading The Artist’s Way – Navigates the way the artist unlocks creation
The Motivation Manifesto, Brandon Burhard – Strong call to action: spend deliberate time and energy interacting with living!
30 days to write yourself alive – an online writing course with Andrea Balt
listening to stories from my courageous girlfriends – not naming them, obviously, but insert your people here…
So, to the liberated art (artists) – THANK YOU for showing me myself
by showing yourself
Stepping into more, here’s to the wild future – 2016.